"What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us." – Ralph Waldo Emerson
Showing posts with label life issues. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life issues. Show all posts

Sunday, September 3, 2017

Optimistic And Grateful But Praying For Patience


Today is a Special Day .  Since June, I have been gently trying to have a telephone conversation with my daughter-in-law in regards to my son .   For various reasons that conversation was not happening. Even though on the rare occasion there was brief telephone contact she was always cordial but stated that she did not want to talk with me while my son was home.  Two weeks ago she answered my question as to why .  According to her he was having emotional difficulty when my name was mentioned .   A very important note is that she and I have never had much communication . Therefore, she only knows about me through my son .  Three days ago I left her another message stating that my Psychologist doesn't feel she can help us if there is no communication within the family members .  That was my idea and it is so very true.   My psychologist is on vacation for one month .

This afternoon she telephoned me and we visited on the phone for one and a half hours !   It was remarkable how receptive she was with what I had to say .  We were able to discuss so many topics and she was happy to learn about my experiences with him and my opinions . She said that what I had to say answered so many questions that she has had about him.  I am blessed that she really loves him even though,  as she says, "he's a strange dude" .   The conversation was a lot for her to process and as she said, it will take some time .   At the moment she is on board to work on helping him - which really means THEM .  They have been together for 12 years and have been married for 8 years .  The years have been filled with a lot of turmoil and adversity .


After all these years, he started to see a Psychiatrist on the referral of a Primary Care Physician and has been on some medication .  He has responded to it favorably and has said that he feels so much better.  My daughter-in-law retired from employment a few months ago and they were having difficulties with adjusting and that is when he went to the doctor, after she went to her doctor .  She said that she did not say anything to him about him going to the doctor .  It was HIS initiative .


They have a lot going on in their life at this time .  They are trying to sell their house and they are in the process of upgrading a house that my son bought 17 years ago, which they will be moving into . So, she says that after they are moved she will be able to get involved fully with this journey that I am very optimistic about pursuing with the professional guidance .


If interested, take a look at my post from July 3, 2017,  When-I-Was-21- - - A Distressful Post  for a little background information.

It's a New Week and a Holiday too .  Have Fun.

Mary

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

You Do What You Gotta Do

Sometimes my life has me feeling  just like this - JUST HANGING ON .
There are so many things that need my attention and they involve a lot of deep thoughtfulness . 

Little Warning --- This is a very long post today --- Really, really Long!

Recently, I visited with the caretaker of the local Cemetery where I have had a six foot by six foot burial plot for many years. Since I am in possession of the cremains of  My Special Man (at his request and have been, since his passing in December 2014) I am working with the professionals to prepare for interment. Basically, when a plot is purchased it is simply only the ground. This cemetery requires that a Two Foot Tall border (usually cement with steel rebar) is built to surround the plot. There are many variables in selection and prices. Because I live on a "Pile of Rocks" -  NOT a pile of money, I have decided to have the top surface of the border topped with rock from my garden which will save me some money, as well as provide some symbolism of my love of gardens.  In addition, since I have many sizable rock boulders on my property, one of them will be used for the headstone. Something kind of like the next photo.
 
This is a google image of my cemetery. It gives you an idea of what I'm writing about. The boulder grave marker would sit where the headstone is. Some words that I will have engraved on the grave marker along with names and dates, will be   -    THE GREATEST GIFT IN LIFE IS LOVE.         Remember, this was a "late in life love" and I chose not to marry.   My Furbabies (Pixie, Puff and Lily) cremains will also rest nearby with us.      I think all of this will add some nice personalization to this special project and lifetime event.   And, YES, these decisions can save me a bundle of money ! ! Headstones can be and usually are quite expensive !

Since, I have a strong sense of responsibility, I feel that there are several activities that I must take care of before My Last Act ends. Unfortunately, I am, (what is called by some) a Senior Orphan meaning that I do not have available family (or others) who can assist with end of life responsibilities. Soo many, too many of my dear friends have passed on.    My thought is quite simply      "You Do What You Gotta Do".
Two weeks ago I started to see a Psychologist for the purpose of making a concentrated effort to re-establish a family relationship with my two adult children before it is too late.  Yah, you know what I mean.  There are many understandable (but disappointing)  life experiences and decisions that have occurred through the years that have been "out of my hands".  But, I have always tried my very best to live by the Golden Rule of "Do Unto Others As You Would Have Done Unto You".  Being human means we all make mistakes and we must live with those decisions.  I have spent many years in psychotherapy with the strong desire to break the cycle of great heartache and disfunction (in my family of origin) or at least learn to live the best life I can live. Most of the time it has been a very lonely and tough road for me. But, it only takes a nano-second for me to realize all the many blessing I have had and am grateful for. 

I was about to read the book  'Done With The Crying' ---  Help and Healing for Mothers of Estranged Adult Children by S McGregor when I thought, Wait a minute - I'm not giving up on this!

My Precious Granddaughter and family are enjoying a fulfilling life. The Great Grandbabies are growing so fast. Wish I could see them more often and enjoy the wonders of growing up with them!
January - First day of pre-school. Daddy always seems to make it to all the special events. They are fabulous parents. The LOVE really shows!
Another activity that is taking a lot of thought these days is whether or not it would be best to obtain a Reverse Mortgage on my home. My limited finances are becoming unbearable. And, I am facing some heavy financial expenditures for a while.  Sometimes it seems to me that for most of my life I have been living on a very tightly stretched budget.  Among other things, single parenting can be financially challenging.  As some of you know, I have learned to do many many things myself instead of trying to hire assistance. Many of these tasks are associated with maintaining my own home.   The day has come when I question how long I can continue to do things like installing my own garbage disposal, repair my electric range, power wash my house. The list goes on and on of tasks that I have been able to do for myself out of necessity. However, there always is a list and at the present it is getting longer.  The bathroom toilet needs attention and window washing is long overdue. I need to hire out some jobs like repair of my car air conditioning, propane heating stove repair and maintenance and outside house painting. 

I basically need some additional funds to continue living in my current minimalistic style.  I would be thrilled if I could (for once in a long time) start delegating the work without heavy financial burden and indebtedness. I feel very grateful that I have been able to keep my house, especially through the recent years of universal financial strain.

I have briefly given thought to selling my house, but, WHERE WOULD I GO WHERE I COULD LIVE,  THAT WOULD BE LESS EXPENSIVE AND ACCEPTABLE?    And, then there is THIS!
I need to find a way to get rid of lots of stuff. I am almost ashamed of the way things are looking around here. I no longer can physically handle the work of cleaning out and having a yard sale!  My last sale, years ago, brought me $3000.00. And, that was wonderful even though it almost killed me!

Call me CRAZY but I do not want pictures taken of my house and garage the way it looks at this time by appraisers if I sell or reverse mortgage the house. Yes, there is a big job ahead of me!

I think I could write a book about avoiding Cash in the Trash. I have learned how to stretch or make a penny in unbelievable ways.  HAVE YOU EVER RENTED OUT A CLOSET for someone's storage? I have for one and a half years!

I have always done my best in maintaining financial responsibility. For many years my credit score has consistently been over 800. And, it hasn't been easy. But, with sensibility and thoughtful decisions it is possible. My annual income (no government assistance here) has remained the same for many many years since my back injury/disability. And, the amount (Social Security Retirement Benefit) is based on the amount I was earning prior to age 52. That means the amount is considerably less than it would have been if I had been able to work until age 62. Yes, I had a Workers' Compensation Case. Trust me, NO ONE who is honest makes money on WC. You are lucky if you break even. I have "lived on both sides" with knowledge inside the system  as an employee and as a injured worker/client!  And, talk about stress, it took 10 years to arrive at a settlement which allowed me to break even. OH, it is such a horrendous system! And, very corrupt on both sides in many cases!

OK, there is another possible income generator that I have considered but really do not want to do. And, that is to sell my Premium Diamond Ring that  was gifted me by My Special Friend when he wanted to marry me. 

I think it is best for me to stop on that note as I think that gives you an idea of what life has been like for me lately.         It is not all bad.        It is Just What It Is.

Well, How about this?
I like that idea!

         That's it for Today. I think I need a nap.

Mary

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