You Do What You Gotta Do

Sometimes my life has me feeling  just like this - JUST HANGING ON .

There are so many things that need my attention and they involve a lot of deep thoughtfulness . 

Little Warning --- This is a very long post today --- Really, really Long!

Recently, I visited with the caretaker of the local Cemetery where I have had a six foot by six foot burial plot for many years. Since I am in possession of the cremains of  My Special Man (at his request and have been, since his passing in December 2014) I am working with the professionals to prepare for interment. Basically, when a plot is purchased it is simply only the ground. This cemetery requires that a Two Foot Tall border (usually cement with steel rebar) is built to surround the plot. There are many variables in selection and prices. Because I live on a "Pile of Rocks" -  NOT a pile of money, I have decided to have the top surface of the border topped with rock from my garden which will save me some money, as well as provide some symbolism of my love of gardens.  In addition, since I have many sizable rock boulders on my property, one of them will be used for the headstone. Something kind of like the next photo.

 

This is a google image of my cemetery. It gives you an idea of what I'm writing about. The boulder grave marker would sit where the headstone is. Some words that I will have engraved on the grave marker along with names and dates, will be   -    THE GREATEST GIFT IN LIFE IS LOVE.         Remember, this was a "late in life love" and I chose not to marry.   My Furbabies (Pixie, Puff and Lily) cremains will also rest nearby with us.      I think all of this will add some nice personalization to this special project and lifetime event.   And, YES, these decisions can save me a bundle of money ! ! Headstones can be and usually are quite expensive !

Since, I have a strong sense of responsibility, I feel that there are several activities that I must take care of before My Last Act ends. Unfortunately, I am, (what is called by some) a Senior Orphan meaning that I do not have available family (or others) who can assist with end of life responsibilities. Soo many, too many of my dear friends have passed on.    My thought is quite simply      "You Do What You Gotta Do".

Two weeks ago I started to see a Psychologist for the purpose of making a concentrated effort to re-establish a family relationship with my two adult children before it is too late.  Yah, you know what I mean.  There are many understandable (but disappointing)  life experiences and decisions that have occurred through the years that have been "out of my hands".  But, I have always tried my very best to live by the Golden Rule of "Do Unto Others As You Would Have Done Unto You".  Being human means we all make mistakes and we must live with those decisions.  I have spent many years in psychotherapy with the strong desire to break the cycle of great heartache and disfunction (in my family of origin) or at least learn to live the best life I can live. Most of the time it has been a very lonely and tough road for me. But, it only takes a nano-second for me to realize all the many blessing I have had and am grateful for. 

I was about to read the book  'Done With The Crying' ---  Help and Healing for Mothers of Estranged Adult Children by S McGregor when I thought, Wait a minute - I'm not giving up on this!

My Precious Granddaughter and family are enjoying a fulfilling life. The Great Grandbabies are growing so fast. Wish I could see them more often and enjoy the wonders of growing up with them!

January - First day of pre-school. Daddy always seems to make it to all the special events. They are fabulous parents. The LOVE really shows!

Another activity that is taking a lot of thought these days is whether or not it would be best to obtain a Reverse Mortgage on my home. My limited finances are becoming unbearable. And, I am facing some heavy financial expenditures for a while.  Sometimes it seems to me that for most of my life I have been living on a very tightly stretched budget.  Among other things, single parenting can be financially challenging.  As some of you know, I have learned to do many many things myself instead of trying to hire assistance. Many of these tasks are associated with maintaining my own home.   The day has come when I question how long I can continue to do things like installing my own garbage disposal, repair my electric range, power wash my house. The list goes on and on of tasks that I have been able to do for myself out of necessity. However, there always is a list and at the present it is getting longer.  The bathroom toilet needs attention and window washing is long overdue. I need to hire out some jobs like repair of my car air conditioning, propane heating stove repair and maintenance and outside house painting. 

I basically need some additional funds to continue living in my current minimalistic style.  I would be thrilled if I could (for once in a long time) start delegating the work without heavy financial burden and indebtedness. I feel very grateful that I have been able to keep my house, especially through the recent years of universal financial strain.

I have briefly given thought to selling my house, but, WHERE WOULD I GO WHERE I COULD LIVE,  THAT WOULD BE LESS EXPENSIVE AND ACCEPTABLE?    And, then there is THIS!

I need to find a way to get rid of lots of stuff. I am almost ashamed of the way things are looking around here. I no longer can physically handle the work of cleaning out and having a yard sale!  My last sale, years ago, brought me $3000.00. And, that was wonderful even though it almost killed me!

Call me CRAZY but I do not want pictures taken of my house and garage the way it looks at this time by appraisers if I sell or reverse mortgage the house. Yes, there is a big job ahead of me!

I think I could write a book about avoiding Cash in the Trash. I have learned how to stretch or make a penny in unbelievable ways.  HAVE YOU EVER RENTED OUT A CLOSET for someone's storage? I have for one and a half years!

I have always done my best in maintaining financial responsibility. For many years my credit score has consistently been over 800. And, it hasn't been easy. But, with sensibility and thoughtful decisions it is possible. My annual income (no government assistance here) has remained the same for many many years since my back injury/disability. And, the amount (Social Security Retirement Benefit) is based on the amount I was earning prior to age 52. That means the amount is considerably less than it would have been if I had been able to work until age 62. Yes, I had a Workers' Compensation Case. Trust me, NO ONE who is honest makes money on WC. You are lucky if you break even. I have "lived on both sides" with knowledge inside the system  as an employee and as a injured worker/client!  And, talk about stress, it took 10 years to arrive at a settlement which allowed me to break even. OH, it is such a horrendous system! And, very corrupt on both sides in many cases!

OK, there is another possible income generator that I have considered but really do not want to do. And, that is to sell my Premium Diamond Ring that  was gifted me by My Special Friend when he wanted to marry me. 

I think it is best for me to stop on that note as I think that gives you an idea of what life has been like for me lately.         It is not all bad.        It is Just What It Is.

Well, How about this?

I like that idea!

         That's it for Today. I think I need a nap.

Mary

Slowly But Surely

More and more flowers are coming into bloom and thriving. It is so nice to see good results from all the hard work.

Rock Orange

 Some Dusty Miller with Peppermint.

 New Dawn Climbing Rose.

Profuse Bloomer

Centhranthus Ruber 'Albus', commonly called Red Valerian or Jupiter's Beard.

 Dianthus - Ideal White

 Peony - Double White

 John F. Kennedy Hybrid Tea Rose

Garden Amaryllis White

My White Garden has been so much fun for me with such a large variety of White Flowers.

Not shown in this post are 'Arrow White' Snapdragons,    White Azalea,    Star Jasmine,    'White Holly' Penstemon,    'Gourmet Popcorn' Miniature White Rose,    Chrysanthemum,    Tulips,    Iris, Tulips,    Daffodils,    'Camelot' Foxglove,    'Sweet Autumn' Clematis,    Oriental Lilies,    'Radicans' Gardenia,    'Vanhouttei' Spiraea,    Paperwhite Narcissus,    'Flevo Eyes' Gladiolus,    'Icicle' Hollyhock,    Gaura,    'Rose of Sharon' Hibiscus Syriacus,   White Geraniums,   Gerbera Daisy,    Hydrangea,    Pansy, 'Carpet of Snow' Alyssum,    Daylily,    'Fairy Lily' Zephyranthes,    Campanula,    and Dahlia.

Goodness, that is quite a variety. I had no idea! No wonder it has been so much fun. Something's always blooming.

Front Garden Doing Well and Healthy

Garden Angel

Working On My Secret Garden

The Secret Garden is behind this mound of rock and surround of  large Photinia plants.

These stepping stones that look like Tree Slices are actually made of cement. I brought these years ago from my previous home. Aren't they cool lookin'.

This Vintage Cement Bench was sitting on the property when I moved here 24 years ago.

I hope you are having a great weekend.

Mary

Still Playing In The Garden

Let me rephrase that.   I'm working as hard as my body will physically allow me to !  And, thankfully, it really is starting to show. The weeds have been what seems endless this year with all the rain this past winter. And, they keep growing. Some of them are three feet tall and still growing. The weather has been lovely for working outdoors. As usual, there always is a certain amount of outdoor maintenance around the house that needs attention. There are a few things that I can no longer do. And, that is quite frustrating for me.

This section of my garden has filled in nicely. And, I love it. The fig tree is starting to leaf out.

I have herbs planted throughout the garden and the Sage is blooming with a nice purple flowers.

Wow ! The roses are putting forth a wonderful showing for the first bloom. However, the aphids and black spot are presenting a challenge more so this year than in the past.

This beauty is Oklahoma Hybrid Tea Rose and the blossoms are huge this year.

Oh, a favorite of mine is the next rose because it is always healthy and it is a beautiful continuous bloomer. It is called Popcorn Drift Rose. It provides a nice backdrop for my Angel in the White Garden.

This is Elle, another delightful hybrid with a gentle soothing color of soft pink.

Old roses are such a favorite. This rose was in the garden when I moved here 23 years ago. It is rather surprising to me since there was very little planted here. It faithfully produces huge apricot colored flowers. I do not have any idea what the name is. But, that is fine with me. We don't need to know a name to admire beauty.

Everything is coming along nicely. However, my ground cover which I started years ago with a few seeds has suffered with the continuous drought that we had for years. Because of my back injury and disability I knew I would not be able to push a lawn mower, so I decided on a ground cover.

It is called Prunella Vulgaris and is a vigorous self seeder. Some people call it a weed !! I am sure you know the definition of "a weed" !

I have big plans to recreate the ground cover with adding some top soil and broadcasting seed that I was able to order online.
This photo will give you an idea of how the ground cover looked a few years ago.

Look - how vigorous it can grow !  Even through the chair seat ! Now, that looks healthy. Don't ya think?

Let me leave you with a fun photo from google images. Oh, how I miss my furbaby, Lily. There is such a big hole in my heart!

Wishing All of You a Wonderful Weekend and a Happy Mother's Day if that is part of your life. Not all of us are the Cleaver's, the archetypal suburban parents of the baby bloomer 1950's. Sometimes life feels like a "big trade off". But, most of us have many things to be very thankful for. It just may be different than "your neighbors". Perhaps, it is a good day to do something special for someone who is a little short on feeling special. I would call that a win - win.

Mary

The Time Has Come

And, it makes me so happy !

They are so lovely !

It is a beautiful warm sunny day but expect a little cooling by the weekend. I'm working in the garden. More words next time.

Wishing you a Joyous Day.

Mary