MY LAST ACT * * * * * * * * * * *
Little old lady living in her eighth decade (age 78) still kicking her heels up and enjoying many interests. Oops - I need to get out to the garden! - - - - - - - - - - *
Sure hope my garden days become a reality again.
Can you believe it? This morning my little home at 2000 feet elevation in Northern California is blanketed with a lace covering of Snow. It is a novelty for us. Yes, it has been colder than usual and snow was predicted. Still, it is always a little exciting.
And, a lacy covering of snow.
The Yellow Daffodils are on their way.
Who is Blue Ivy? Maybe, next week, I can tell you more. How is that for a hook?
It's the beginning of a new Weekend and the days are counting down closer to Spring.
I can't begin to explain how much better I am feeling. I am still the same age with all that goes with that fact. But, I am still in amazement at how once the leg pain stopped, it really stopped. And, I only need very little medication. I am so very grateful! And, the challenging aspects of life are a lot easier to roll with. I am making progress in my "method thinking", my term for intentionally sweeping the non-essential (usually hurtful) thoughts away from my presence. My psyche is beginning to feel like a Butterfly that has found FREEDOM to fly to heights of happiness, love, forgiveness and acceptance never experienced before. Baby Steps !
Just wanted to pop in and share with you how my moment is going. And, thanks for all of the encouragement. There is so much more to life than where you are going to shop, what you have, where you vacation, who likes you and who does not. Let Sunshine Shine.
I doubt that I ever will know the answers to the many questions I have about my life and I think it is about time for me to open a new chapter and slam the door closed tightly to all the psychological pain and emotional trauma from my children and subsequent family throughout my lifetime. By now, with the many years of working diligently with professional help to "fix myself" it is very clear to me that I am doing nothing more than "chasing my own tail". With history of horrible events like holding someone down on the floor with hands around their neck, throwing computers against the wall, punching holes in walls, "serving time" for physical abuse, spreading hurtful untruths, temper tantrums, terminating promised college financial assistance during semester because someone is mad and never again help financially, lack of concern for others, no willingness to change any behavior, secrets and periodic total alienation - - - Why would I be part of this? And, the most recent hurtful event took me totally "off guard".
THIS IS TOTALLY NUTS! Why would anyone want to be a part of this circus ? ? ? Especially, at my age. Remember 1992 - - - Why can't we all just get along?
Let's Get Happy ! It has been two weeks since my appointment with the Orthopedist. After that time, I have all kinds of treatment opinions and for several days I pondered what my approach to the disabling pain would be. With many options now available to me like many medications, acupuncture, extensive physical therapy to name a few, my approach is to start only one option at a time so I will know what my body is responding to. Many hours have been spent in deep thought with focus on the interaction of mind, body and spirit in healing and staying healthy. I eventually decided to start with narcotic pain medication. Living alone presents an additional challenge with utilizing chemicals especially since I have a high sensitivity. So, starting with very tiny portion of the medication and paying close attention to my bodies reaction I have been able to slowly determine what my body can safely utilize and receive some pain relief. There has been only one time that I have been concerned about the medication and how I was feeling. The best way I can explain it is that I felt "like I was losing myself". It was frightening but that was only one time.
It is my intention to utilize every possible approach that may help me. What I am about to say is something that I can hardly imagine. After having severe burning pain from left hip to ankle since the end of October, I have not had any leg pain for over a week. Of course there are periods of intense buttock/low back pain but nothing like the horrible leg pain. I really feel speechless. My next activity is to schedule some physical therapy. Prior to this, I did not know how I could manage to get to my appointments regularly.
BABY STEPS !
I try to constantly be aware in my brain of MIND-BODY-SPIRIT and the tentacles of available positive thoughts that go with each entity. Obviously, there isn't much room (in my brain) for thoughts of life's displeasure when there is so much JOY that I can attribute to MIND-BODY-SPIRIT working together!
Given my personality, it is not easy for me to not question how all this is happening. But, I must find strength to resist my exploring curiosity.
After a couple overcast and somewhat rainy days we are having some very appreciated sunshine. I do not know how my life can have so many roller coaster rides in so few days as it has recently. In the interest of brevity I have only a few comments regarding the recent wedding activities. They did not bring the joy to my heart as I had anticipated. For me, it brought exclusion which was such a jolt to me. Only two times during the past six weeks have I spoken with my Granddaughter. It seems that a check up phone call to me is not a priority in her life. And, an email response from her yesterday shattered every window in my house - My Heart. Enough of that stuff! I know I am strong and this too shall pass.
I am happy to say that I am making some progress, slow as it may be, with using pain medication. Unfortunely, I am very sensitive to narcotics. It is trial and error and I have to be careful not to overdose and use very small dosages by cutting the pills. I am determined to find the pain zone that is tolerable and gives me a better quality of life. Pain does not define me! I do not see surgical intervention in my future. The surgery is just to frightening for me. This is my recent MRI.
And, this is the recommended surgery. NO THANK YOU.
I look forward to Spring Time and all the new life coming forth in the Garden.
This afternoon I plan to spend some time outside sitting in the sunshine and listening to the sounds of Nature.
I ABSOLUTELY ADORE THESE PHOTOS ! ! I quickly viewed all the photos from the wedding via a link that was sent to the bride. For some reason these brought a strong emotion of Beautiful Mama Love. I will try to post more photos when I figure out how to do it easier than the way I did these.
And, the weather outside is delicious around the high 60's. More lovely is the fact that I feel less stressed than I have in a long time. All major appointments are behind me and lots of the annoying tasks which come with having your own home are completed for the time being.
The gate at the front of my home may give me "a false sense of security", but when it is not working which is very rarely I feel an undercurrent of slight unrest. I usually can maintain it by myself but the time had come for me to call in "the big guns". And, I did. There was a significant part associated with the electrical circuit pad that needed to be replaced. It had been seven years since I have had to get help. The gate was very expensive but it also has been one of the most "bang for my buck" expenditures. It was installed 22 years ago and cost me very little for maintenance since that time . When I had it installed way back then, I know their were a few comments. At that time there was very little fencing and gating in this area because it was a very quiet environment around here. But, as the world has changed greatly, so has my neighborhood changed. I took a couple photos to show how it goes across the corner of my lot. The gate is very efficient and does not have to have space to swing horizontally, but a vertical lift is perfect. Oh, and it is solar and remote controlled.
About ten years ago, the property across the way was purchased and a very nice large house was built with high-end amenities including custom made gating . The residents are exceptionally nice, friendly and helpful. I mention the house because you may notice the gate at the entrance to the road/ driveway. After their gate was installed I telephoned them and "Welcomed them to our gated community". They said thanks and we laughed ! ! Note. We are the only gated residences in the neighborhood.
Surprisingly, my White Cyclamen plant at the front door is giving forth beautiful large blossoms.
And, my cherished Puppy and Kitty Sculpture by Isabel Bloom sits nearby.
On Friday, I headed out through the forest and across the river for my much anticipated medical appointment with the Orthopedist. The appointment went very well. Much to my surprise the doctor remembered me from when I treated with him some ten years ago or so. After reviewing the MRI and other fairly recent medical reports he really did not have anything new that had not been discussed before. He was very kind, patient and gentle as he discussed surgical intervention with the caveat that he would not push surgery. We discussed all the procedures that I have already completed during the years and the reality is that if the day comes when I can no longer walk a Spinal Fusion of my lumbar area will be necessary. And, that would include the placement of metal rods with screws. A bone graft would be taken from my hip to use with the fusion. I say "Not yet!"
Prior to going to the appointment I spent some time thinking about what I would like to try if the Dr. did not have any new treatment modality that I am not aware of. I requested a Physical Therapy program to improve my core stabilization exercise program, Aerobic reconditioning and work toward a home exercise program. This would give me more strength in my muscles. In addition he gave me an order for acupuncture. I am certainly fine with trying acupuncture.
In addition, I have decided to start to take one of the narcotic medications cautiously and increase the dose in very small increments. I have to be patient with the initial side effects. It is not unusual for the side effects to lessen and go away eventually.
I know a couple people who have had lumbar fusion and I think I will contact them and see if they will talk to me and answer some questions about their experience. It is so nice to know that I have two doctors that both tell me to let them know if there is anything else I would like to try.
San Francisco is a Beautiful City with a Beautiful City Hall and can be a Beautiful Venue for a Wedding.
This is my Granddaughter yesterday following her marriage in San Francisco. Such a beautiful bride.
And, this is the Wedding Venue!
These photos of the bride and groom were taken by a guest at the wedding and were on her Facebook page. The professional photos will take a while for processing.
I am so happy for them and their children.
My head is filled with a myriad of emotions this evening. I guess the only thing I will say is that I have a tremendous amount of sadness regarding family relationships. And, I look foreward to seeing the photos of my Great Grandchildren as I understand they were going to be in the wedding.
Well, the week is nearing an end and I hope your week has been going well. It has been a difficult week filled with severe back/leg pain along with heavy emotions on several fronts.
Remember to always take good care of yourself and the ones you love.
The garden is certainly sleepy and very drab these days even though we have had a fair amount of sunshine along with the cold. And, we have recently started to get a little rain and also snow at the higher elevations. This little stem of White Narcissus is the only flower in my entire garden. Evidence of last nights rain shows as water drops from the petals. How cool are those raindrops captured in the photo. Didn't see it until I saw the photo on the computer.
And, the only other activity in the garden that I noticed is the Yellow Daffodils I planted last fall in two large planters. The taped grids across the top are to save my precious bulbs from the many squirrels that traverse my gardens. The squirrels have been very busy little fellows searching and digging for any little goodies they can unearth and carry away.
I have been busy taking care of necessary activities which seems to be quite difficult with coping with the intense pain, especially the burning pain that is radiating down my left leg to my ankle. I saw the Primary Physician on Monday and I had a chance to read the MRI report for myself. I was more than surprised to see the more than I expected undesirable pathology. Each vertebral space (seven) in my low back is showing broad bulging of the disc cushion into the spinal canal impinging on nerves.
That is the best way I can explain it even though there is a lot more trouble like worn out, dried out and old aged disc cushions. You can laugh with me as I know that sounds very old lady dreadful! Yes, humor aside, it is a little frightening ! ! ! My appointment with the Orthopedist is February 2.
Yes, life goes on and as you may know, I am quite tenacious. For reasons not necessary for this topic, I had to replace the straps supporting my water heater in the garage as required by California law. I followed my usual methodical, thoughtful and slow approach and I am proud to say I think "my shirt buttons are bursting" with my pride with this accomplishment. It was especially difficult because the straps have to be secured to the wood studs behind the sheet rock and the lack of good clearance around the water heater made for an almost impossible task. I thought of removing the sink but really did not want to and did not have to.
Ya gotta do - what you gotta do ! Some day I hope to be able to delegate. Maybe, a Home Maintenance Person and - - - why not add a Cleaning Lady ! ! !
I think this is about the time you can call me CRAZY. It's OK with me ! ! !
I hope you have had a good week and the Week End will bring good things your way.
The days are flying by for me possibly because I am not able to physically take care of things like I have in the past. And, my self imposed stress is causing me difficulty. I have some deadlines to meet and I have not been able to get started with my afghan crocheting as I had hoped. In a couple weeks my time management should go smoother for me.
I am very happy to say that I have an appointment the first of February with the Orthopedic Surgeon (that I trust) so I can discuss any recent developments in pain management procedures and his recommendations regarding my age and future pain relief to help me function to the best of my ability.
Since I feel pulled in many directions I will not be bloggling very regularly until I feel less stressed and in better control.
I already have my yarn. Aren't the colors pretty? I ordered it from Lucy's homeland in England and the price and shipping were very reasonable .
Oh, I know - I have lots of yarn but how fun is it to have new colorful yarn. I am hoping that joining a CAL will help get me on track and stick with it. I can't tell you how many times I have "beat myself up" for not finishing a project. But, I am not going to do that anymore. I now look at it as a pleasureful time with my yarn and I don't have to always finish a project.
"THE SKY ISN'T GOING TO FALL" !!! I have known people that never buy new fabric or yarn until the last project is finished. But, I can count the number of people on one hand. At this age, if the sky does fall - oh well!
The term WIP (Work-In-Progress) is no longer going to cause me any concern. I am going to just listen to the click-click of needles or quietness of my hook and settle into peaceful enjoyment. However, I don't doubt that working along side other crafters will provide added motivation when and if I get to the first lull (it happens to most of us) on such a big project.
If you have interest in the afghan project, be sure and check out Lucy's blog.
I still have more work to finish with paperwork on finances and life matters. But, I am mostly finished. Our weather has been quite nice. We are suppose to get some rain tonight. Actually there are three small weather fronts on the way. We really need some rain badly. We are very below average rainfall.