An Unfinished Women- Not So Much

Through most of my life I felt that there was so much that I did not know, maybe call it stupid .  Another descriptive included the word ugly !  And, I felt LOST and ALONE most of my young life .  There was a very high expectation of perfectionism and suffocating parental control . I guess it could be said that this lady had a strong armor to protect against all harm but an interior of extreme fear .  As I try to cram my life, one of which was void of many common life experiences and one filled with many very heavy challenges into a small nut shell , I realize that I never felt like I had a soft spot when I would fall !!!

With so many vacancies in my life journey starting as a twin I must have felt early abandonment when our mother took very ill and not expected to live when we were about one and a half years old . This catastrophe was most likely caused by a brown recluse spider bite on my mother's face before antibiotics had been discovered .  Being a twin can have many inherent issues such as experiencing enough baby - mother time especially when there is another little creature similar to yourself  who is seeking the same love and attention along life's journey .  But, wait a minute ! There are also two little boys - one who is a robust little four year old and another one who is eight years old and who already has experienced major health issues in his short life .  And now, let us mix this all up with a little family that does not have any extended family to assist when times get rough because the mother and father migrated with a Model T Ford from the Midwest to the West Coast (took six weeks) when they married in 1928 and then started a family .   It had to be very difficult on many  occasions throughout their life, especially for my mother in that era .

I don't fully understand (sure wish I did) why my mother continued trying until her death to control and dominate me and especially her desperate need to convince me to duplicate her exact interpretation of her super conservative religious beliefs . That type of control can have far reaching psychological damage .  To this day I am so thankful for the many years I sought psychotherapy .  And, that is before it was considered by the public to be part of comprehensive Medical Care .  Without a doubt, psychotherapy saved my life !

I was present with my mother the last two weeks of her life . She was 88 years of age and her passing was a long slow process . Throughout my early lifetime I always heard from my mother that the end of the world was going to happen in HER LIFETIME .  Perhaps that may explain something about her very lengthy process of dying . Just a thought that came to me about a year ago .  If you think about it, that kind of dialogue for a child can be somewhat disturbing and pose questions about my very own life and how long my life might be !!!

Unabashedly , I will say that I was like A Bird Out Of A Cage when my Mother passed ! My father passed 20 years prior .  And, I do not recall a relationship of any significance with him .  My mind reference is one of power, no nonsense, law and very strict .

Being blessed with longevity (now 80 years old) has provided room for peace and acceptance of all the past issues of life lived before this moment that I do not understand .  There is comfort and confidence beyond my furthest imagination .  What a feeling of limitless JOY .  Unexpectedly, I feel rather joyous as I pursue the pathway (be it short - or long) before me .

Here I Come !

Mary