Get Ready !
I doubt that I ever will know the answers to the many questions I have about my life and I think it is about time for me to open a new chapter and slam the door closed tightly to all the psychological pain and emotional trauma from my children and subsequent family throughout my lifetime. By now, with the many years of working diligently with professional help to "fix myself" it is very clear to me that I am doing nothing more than "chasing my own tail". With history of horrible events like holding someone down on the floor with hands around their neck, throwing computers against the wall, punching holes in walls, "serving time" for physical abuse, spreading hurtful untruths, temper tantrums, terminating promised college financial assistance during semester because someone is mad and never again help financially, lack of concern for others, no willingness to change any behavior, secrets and periodic total alienation - - - Why would I be part of this? And, the most recent hurtful event took me totally "off guard".
THIS IS TOTALLY NUTS! Why would anyone want to be a part of this circus ? ? ? Especially, at my age. Remember 1992 - - - Why can't we all just get along?
Let's Get Happy ! It has been two weeks since my appointment with the Orthopedist. After that time, I have all kinds of treatment opinions and for several days I pondered what my approach to the disabling pain would be. With many options now available to me like many medications, acupuncture, extensive physical therapy to name a few, my approach is to start only one option at a time so I will know what my body is responding to. Many hours have been spent in deep thought with focus on the interaction of mind, body and spirit in healing and staying healthy. I eventually decided to start with narcotic pain medication. Living alone presents an additional challenge with utilizing chemicals especially since I have a high sensitivity. So, starting with very tiny portion of the medication and paying close attention to my bodies reaction I have been able to slowly determine what my body can safely utilize and receive some pain relief. There has been only one time that I have been concerned about the medication and how I was feeling. The best way I can explain it is that I felt "like I was losing myself". It was frightening but that was only one time.
It is my intention to utilize every possible approach that may help me. What I am about to say is something that I can hardly imagine. After having severe burning pain from left hip to ankle since the end of October, I have not had any leg pain for over a week. Of course there are periods of intense buttock/low back pain but nothing like the horrible leg pain. I really feel speechless. My next activity is to schedule some physical therapy. Prior to this, I did not know how I could manage to get to my appointments regularly.
BABY STEPS !
I try to constantly be aware in my brain of MIND-BODY-SPIRIT and the tentacles of available positive thoughts that go with each entity. Obviously, there isn't much room (in my brain) for thoughts of life's displeasure when there is so much JOY that I can attribute to MIND-BODY-SPIRIT working together!
Given my personality, it is not easy for me to not question how all this is happening. But, I must find strength to resist my exploring curiosity.
ONWARD AND FORWARD.
To be continued - Thank you.
Mary
THIS IS TOTALLY NUTS! Why would anyone want to be a part of this circus ? ? ? Especially, at my age. Remember 1992 - - - Why can't we all just get along?
It is my intention to utilize every possible approach that may help me. What I am about to say is something that I can hardly imagine. After having severe burning pain from left hip to ankle since the end of October, I have not had any leg pain for over a week. Of course there are periods of intense buttock/low back pain but nothing like the horrible leg pain. I really feel speechless. My next activity is to schedule some physical therapy. Prior to this, I did not know how I could manage to get to my appointments regularly.
BABY STEPS !
I try to constantly be aware in my brain of MIND-BODY-SPIRIT and the tentacles of available positive thoughts that go with each entity. Obviously, there isn't much room (in my brain) for thoughts of life's displeasure when there is so much JOY that I can attribute to MIND-BODY-SPIRIT working together!
Given my personality, it is not easy for me to not question how all this is happening. But, I must find strength to resist my exploring curiosity.
ONWARD AND FORWARD.
To be continued - Thank you.
Mary
The decision to "close the book" takes a lot of courage and strength. Good for you dear Mary. The news that you are starting to feel better is music to all of your blogging buddies. Keep warm this week as I see colder weather is heading for all of us in California!
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad that you've finally achieved some relief from the physical pain and suffering you've been dealing with. Thank goodness you are able to monitor and control your medication to allow it to work best for controlling your pain, but not affect how you need to function from day to day. Hopefully that one off day will be the last!
ReplyDeleteAs for closing the book on all that has continued to be so terribly hurtful, and now, detrimental to your emotional and mental health and well being, I 100% agree with you that it is, indeed, time to move on. And I do not say that lightly. But if, after your repeated earnest and sincere attempts to mend fences and bring closure to a hurtful past, your family STILL refuses to want to do the same, then you must now do whatever it will take to protect yourself from all of this terrible anguish you suffer from on account of their lack of willingness to cooperate. I cannot for the life of me understand why some people are the way they are, but you, my dear friend, are beautiful, strong, and have so much to give to those of us who truly WANT you to be a part of our lives. Over the years I've known a handful of people who struggled with relations with their own family members. In the end, they ended up making a family out of those special people around them who really were more like family than the one they were born into! It brought them so much more happiness, peace and fulfillment and all the stress from the drama went right out the door. Your journey of new beginnings starts with a single step, and you're finally on your way. It takes a lot of guts, determination and perseverance , but never I've thought of you as having anything less! Hugs and love to you Mary!!