This cute little fella has been in my Christmas decorations storage for a very long time . When I choose to decorate a tree this little guy always gets a special spot. The ornament is mechanized so that the gift box raises and lowers when a little switch is turned on. Considering that this is quite old, it was very unique at the time of purchase . Even though my favorite tree is usually decorated in a soft pink and gold Victorian theme, I always find a place for this little special man .
The Holiday Season is presenting me with a HUGE CHALLENGE this year in my efforts to cherish the season that I have generally enjoyed in my adult life . That does not mean that every year has been joyous and festive but this year has brought a different level of burdensome emotion .
This year has been so very good in so many ways but it has also been a very hard year with major decisions that I had to make by myself . Nonetheless, the year is ending with never could have expected joys that have made my life easier but that doesn't always soothe the troubled heart that misses all my friends that have passed on and a totally disengaged family . As I allow myself to reflect on my life an image of a very difficult and challenging life with some brief interludes of comfort and joy is portrayed before me. Lots and lots of life experiences but most that were bitter sweet !!
The most traumatic event of my life started in 1969 when my husband lost his very good job due to the death of his father/boss. He had great difficulty finding employment until he found a job in the computer industry working Night Shift . By that time I had started working as an RN at the local hospital starting work at 7AM. I had not worked in my profession following graduation 9 years earlier and now I was also the mother of two wonderful children. Maybe you can imagine how terrified I felt working in such a high responsibility profession ! To make a long story short - my husband became involved with illegal drugs at his workplace and thereafter left us. Total surprise. He no longer wanted to be a husband or father. At the age of 47 he died of complications of years of drug use . He was found on the freeway at 3AM in the back of his pickup truck.
The emotional abuse through the years from a mostly very dysfunctional small family (mostly from my mother) has left deep scars . But, I feel blessed that I have had the strength to pursue psychotherapy throughout the years which I cannot imagine living without .
There is no doubt in my mind that as I have traversed this long journey with seldom a soft spot to fall on , the years are taking a toll on me . I have come to know that I am a strong person and have worked hard to have the life I have and I know I will find the strength to find solutions to enhance the vision I currently have of my life.
When I reach deep into my thoughts is is clear to me also that the Current State Of Affairs Of Our Country is having a pervading negative and sometime frightening influence. I feel that I have to fill the holes in my life with positive people and activities . It is easy to say but very challenging to achieve especially with the limitations that are inherent as we age.
Church attendance and involvement can help many but for me it is a huge beacon of hurt . The memories including feeling that church was more important than any of my needs (as portrayed by my mother) along with being on the receiving end of prolonged sexual harassment from a 5th grade parochial school teacher and many other dissatisfying church related experiences does not foster any warm, safe and nurturing thoughts . Many years ago when trying to attend church I would find that I did not have control over the tears that would endlessly fall down on my cheeks . That visual is still powerful for me . Lest that I forget the meaningful activities associated with my occasional church involvement in my adult years .
Needless to say, My children (now adults) have suffered tremendously from their father walking away and the lack of unconditional love from family members. And also the lack of healthy role models in their everyday life.
With all of this "Deep Thinking" I am beginning to formulate some ideas to counteract my current mindset . I will share with you any new approaches that I pursue in the near future .
I am having a struggle with hitting the publish button . It may take me a day or so !!!
The Very Best to all of you.
Mary
