Wednesday, July 29, 2020

Looking Forward

To the documentary "Weight Of Gold" by Michael Phelps presented tonight on HBO . After weeks of seeing TV public viewing announcements by Michael Phelps encouraging all to seek guidance if you are dealing with severe emotional anxiety and feeling continually challenged beyond your coping ability based on your day to day thoughts of struggling to do the simplest activity such as getting out of bed , I find it so wonderful that the subject of Mental Health is becoming more and more a part of "main stream" Medicine .   Changes in attitudes come slowly , but I am encouraged.

After a lifetime of working hard to feel contentment and peace with living I will always recall and never will forget how terrifying it felt to be on the outside of life and looking in and trying to be one with the living . I did not feel like there was anyone I could talk to .  I was not allowed to interact with others at will .  My interaction with the world was strictly controlled . And, I had a profound feeling of failure and confusion .  At bedtime as a child I would wish that I would NOT wake up in the morning .  Not feeling comfortable in my own home was extremely frightening . The most prominent words I recall hearing was that if I lived a godly life everything would be fine .  That was my understanding of what was being said to me .  And , those words were more detrimental than helpful .  I felt truly lost and had no compass to put me on track . 

Life had periods of joy but I guess I never felt joy with who I was . I think that joy was based on external factors and not my true worth !

It is terrible to travel through life trying to look OK when you are far from it .  You can become an expert of deception . And , that certainly is what I did . 

In 1972 . I crashed but did not burn . Life no longer had any meaning because I felt like a total failure and had no ability to carry on .  That was the beginning of my enormously difficult journey in learning who I am and how special I am through the guidance of Professional Mental Health expertise .  And , I will always participate in my Mental Health as well as my Physical Health .

It has been a long hard journey, not the least bit simplistic if that is how it sounds but worth every second of effort .  I feel so blessed to have lived to this age whereby I have learned who I am , how special I am and how to be TRULY CONTENT AND HAPPY .  It is a feeling that is almost indescribable after all the years of internal turmoil ! There are days when I think "is this for real ? " and then I tell myself "you bet it is ." !

It's OK to be OK !

Lovingly , Mary

1 comment:

  1. You appear to have successfully surmounted the summit and come out whole and healthy on the other side. The sunny side! Bless you dear friend Mary.

    ReplyDelete

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