Looking Forward

To the documentary "Weight Of Gold" by Michael Phelps presented tonight on HBO . After weeks of seeing TV public viewing announcements by Michael Phelps encouraging all to seek guidance if you are dealing with severe emotional anxiety and feeling continually challenged beyond your coping ability based on your day to day thoughts of struggling to do the simplest activity such as getting out of bed . I find it so wonderful that the subject of Mental Health is becoming more and more a part of "main stream" Medicine .   Changes in attitudes come slowly , but I am encouraged.

After a lifetime of working hard to feel contentment and peace with living I will always recall and never will forget how terrifying it felt to be on the outside of life and looking in and trying to be one with the living . I did not feel like there was anyone I could talk to .  I was not allowed to interact with others at will .  My interaction with the world was strictly controlled . And, I had a profound feeling of failure and confusion .  At bedtime as a child I would wish that I would NOT wake up in the morning .  Not feeling comfortable in my own home was extremely frightening . The most prominent words I recall hearing was that if I lived a godly life everything would be fine .  That was my understanding of what was being said to me .  And , those words were more detrimental than helpful .  I felt truly lost and had no compass to put me on track . 

Life had periods of joy but I guess I never felt joy with who I was . I think that joy was based on external factors and not my true worth !

It is terrible to travel through life trying to look OK when you are far from it .  You can become an expert of deception . And , that certainly is what I did . 

In 1973 . I crashed but did not burn . Life no longer had any meaning because I felt like a total failure and had no ability to carry on .  That was the beginning of my enormously difficult journey in learning who I am and how special I am through the guidance of Professional Mental Health expertise .  And , I will always participate in my Mental Health as well as my Physical Health .

It has been a long hard journey, not the least bit simplistic if that is how it sounds but worth every second of effort .  I feel so blessed to have lived to this age whereby I have learned who I am , how special I am and how to be TRULY CONTENT AND HAPPY .  It is a feeling that is almost indescribable after all the years of internal turmoil ! There are days when I think "is this for real ? " and then I tell myself "you bet it is ." !

It's OK to be OK !

Lovingly , Mary

My Heart Is So Warm And Soft And Filled With Joy

I could not wait any longer to share with you the profound happiness I feel for my Granddaughter in her journey of finding the realization of what a true and real mother feels like !  She and her little young family experienced a beautiful travel trip and visit with her mother , her mother's husband and her half sister .  It appears like there would not be a better way to describe this great life experience other than beautiful !  And , it sounds like it was LOVE, LOVE and MORE LOVE !

I have always tried to be by her side as best I could as she traveled through her tumultuous life from infancy .  Early on I was not allowed to be involved even when the military brought them from Korea to the States when she was about 2 years of age !  She is a beautiful biracial human being !!! Eventually , she was able to learn about me and who I am !  Through brief summer vacation visits when she was old enough to come alone we became closely bonded as Grandma and Granddaughter .  The  years were nothing resembling normal for her and it is difficult for me to comprehend how traumatic and dysfunctional her day to day existence was including a very emotionally and physically abusive step-mother during her high school years and  thereafter until not to long ago when she took the stance of  "enough is enough" . "I will live my own life - thank you" .  But she always knew she had my never ending unconditional love even when we had very little interaction and the relationship was threatened by outside influences . Sadly , some of the fall-out of her life of just surviving landed in my lap . By that I mean , I was not at her college graduation or her wedding but she knew my love was with her .

                         (on the right)
And , when the time most miraculously came about a couple years ago that was leading up to possible reunification with her mother I strongly but gently encouraged her to soften her heart and to nurture the process .  It is so difficult when falsehoods are planted in a babies/child's head about an absent parent .  We know it happens all to often .  But, I did not have any idea of the magnitude of the damaging dialogue which she experienced until she recently shared with me . 

All through the years her mother was yearning to have her daughter as a part of her life - - - - like she had always been a part of her heart !

My Granddaughter has evolved into an impressive woman .  She is married to an exceptional partner . Remember it takes work of two people to have exceptional partnering !  The mother of two children. Finished her Bachelor of Science Degree while working part time and pregnant with their second child .  She has been substitute teaching and continuing with her education (on line) taking 18 units each term to complete a teaching credential .  When she recently received her grades she was disappointed when she received one B grade along with all A's !  And ,  she also was home schooling the last month or so due to the pandemic .  All of this along with being A Mother and A Wife which is no easy task on its own !  If it is worth having it is worth working for .  And , most people have to work for what they want !

My life is one of many compartments and this is one of utmost JOY .

Thank you for sharing this JOY with me .





Mary

When Reading Old Town History

Or , history of any kind .  But , at the moment I have just finished reading a bit of town history in one of the local newspapers on the Internet about a Frosty Shop that originated in the 1960's with signature soft cream ice cream returning after a few years of closure and being reincarnated .

(google image)

This snippet of the days news raised my awareness of how much I enjoy history and how my reading experience has changed since I have become one of "those older folks" .

When I moved to the mountains over 25 years ago and I was of 53 years of age I had no idea that I would still be living in "my little dream home" today .  Thankful, thankful, thankful .  Actually, did not give it any thought . I say "dream home" because I often wondered if I would ever get past the days of "renting" following my divorce and sale of a home my husband had built and we lived in together for most of 9 years until a divorce .  Following a life that felt extremely fortunate because at such a young age the picture of a happy healthy little family with two little children (a boy and a girl at that) and a dog and a cat (no - just a cat) , loving one another , stay-at home mother and nicely employed father and a church going family with children in private/perochial school) , how could life have changed so drastically and quite unexpectedly ?  After all , at the time , in many circles , wasn't that the picture of a Life That Had It All ?  Think about it .  Wasn't it the Silent Generation for Women ?  It wasn't long before the Modern Women’s Emancipation began.  Now , that's a whole new subject .  And a Hot One at that .  Maybe another time !

Life as a single parent with almost no extended family emotional support and  next to no interaction from an estranged children's father , working as a Nurse and renting  an apartment or house became the norm for 18 years , moving from one home to another based on the event of the rent being raised ! It was a time of feeling like I had failed by my families standard , and they let me know it !  However . through judicious effort , to become a home/mortgage owner , that accomplishment became reality over 25 years ago .  What an exciting time it was for me .  And , I did it on my own by saving every penny possible . Now , that was a tight budget !

Let me tell you that is enough to give you an expanded view of history and life in general .  Life is not a bowl of cherries - yes, there are pits and a lot of them .

Now, back to the Frosty Shop ! The Frosty Shop is returning to the same location after being closed for several years at the same location .

(google photo-2020)

I remember shortly after moving here a new acquaintance introduced me to the Columbia Frosty on a hot summer day . It was a small building along the road to another place .  There were many cars and trucks parked and people milling around with a Frosty cone in hand and their summer parched tongue delighting in the cool soft feeling .  Oh , was that Soft Serve ice cream great ?

Until recently, I did not fully know the history of this unforgettable "little stop in the road".  After reading a very nice history review of this delightful place I realized how my reading was highlighted with my awareness of dates and a quick reflection of my own life at that time . It was as if I was reliving that exact moment in time but in a distant location of my very own private life! The description of the evolution of events and years of Frosty , which were lengthy carried me along in tandem with my very own life .

There was another Frosty before Columbia Frosty . The other Frosty was built in the early 60's in a nearby town that is now more than 200 feet below the surface of the local reservoir . The town was drowned in the early 70's when the Reservoir was built . It was a terrible time for the about 75 people left when their homes and businesses were buried in water for the reservoir .

The owner of the Frosty disassembled the Frosty and took pieces up to Columbia to use to build the new Columbia Frosty . That was in 1967 . And, they ran the business for a long time .

I remember the historic taste of a great Frosty Cone and usually along side of a juicy hamburger with french fries made to perfection when I lived in a different location , but in California .  And , that was before the mass production of fast food . The norm was for families to usually eat at home generally around the kitchen table . At least that was the stereotype description of meal time !

Columbia Frosty was closed for a few years and sat empty along the roadside . And I often wondered if it would open again .  And , now we are going to have "Our Frosty" back . And , the new owners will know how to get it right .  They both have lived in the area since childhood and remember walking from school over to Frosty to get a nice tall Soft Cream Frosty .

This has been a nice journey down memory lane .  And , it so happens that I just took dinner from the oven called Mom's Tuna Casserole . Now , does that sound like the 50" and 60's and the thereafter . Recently saw the recipe and thought that sounds good . I can't count the times past how many Tuna Casseroles I have made! How coincidental . Funny how things work , sometimes .

Who knows what will drift through my brain next time I sit down to write something?

Stay Safe . No comfort thinking about state of affairs!

Mary

Vegetation Grass Fire Nearby

This area has been having a lot of grass fires lately throughout the county . But, yesterday there was a 13 acre fire (that is now contained) near where I do most of my grocery shopping which is about 7 miles from my home . The Fire Department have been doing an excellent job in getting most of the fires contained in a short period of time . Aircraft tankers have been called in early to help with control from our nearby airport which is about 24 miles car travel from here .

This was the view from the roadway I travel to the grocery store , drug store and restaurants in a little strip mall .

The day by day stresses of life at the present time are higher than I can ever remember . However , I am doing well but folks with more complicated lives (families and maybe financial issues) have a lot more stressors . I feel so fortunate .

And , of cause my garden is a tremendous stress reliever for me . For others it might be another stress .  If I had to stay in the house all day THAT would be horrible for me .  Especially , since the house is not in the order I would prefer .  At this stage , I can't do both outdoors and indoors .  Come winter hopefully I will have the motivation and ability to make some progress inside . I am quite sure if I had people coming in , that would give me a whole lot of motivation !!!

All twelve of the Cone-flower six-pack that I planted last year are tall and open .

 And, some have shot up with two flowers. I think of them as being very cheerful !

I know it sounds simple to some of you , but with my soil conditions I am thankful for what I can get . Hopefully , there will be more next year as  I am constantly adding nutrients and good soil to the surface with hope that it will penetrate down to the plant roots .

That's it for this time .  And , let's send energy to all who we know that can use a little boost !

Mary 

Early Morning Baking

- - - Before it gets to hot .  It was time for some Banana Nut Bread .

Those bananas were just perfect !  Interesting how fast they turn once you see the first darkening spot .  I tried a new recipe that uses brown sugar instead of white . Also, has some added plain yogurt .  I had enough bananas to double the recipe . When I first added the flour I didn't have the pouring guard on and you wouldn't want to see a photo of that !  Flour - flour everywhere .  Even on the flour .

The result has just the right amount of sweetness and the texture is very nice .  Certainly a recipe to be repeated .  It will be nice to have some in the freezer .

Buy the way , my Gazpacho Soup turned out great last week .  The coolness of the soup tasted so good during these hot days .  Filled with vegetables and so nourishing .

I'm doing pretty good in the kitchen lately .  I was beginning to think I might be loosing "my touch" with a few not to successful results . Gotta keep my skills up .  You know - use it or you loose it .

It would be nice if you could join me .  I'll serve some ice tea .

More elegant Gladiolus .

Hope you are having a good day .  It would be so nice if the Pandemic numbers would start going down . But , with the opposing attitude regarding protective procedures of so many people is going to make recovery very very difficult !

Mary

How Fast They Grow

From This -

                                                       To This -

And , such softness and a truly gentle soul mixed in with a little sass! This little gal (my great granddaughter) has the most beautiful deposition and seems to have comfort/confidence beyond her years .

And, big brother ( my great grandson) turning seven years old .

And, a year ago trying to teach his sister to read . Such tender love.

And, such a great little boy .

I am so proud of them and Mom and Dad are doing a terrific loving  job of parenting .

Their Mom did not have the option as a child growing up to be parented by her own mother for no fault of her mother . Blessedly , during the past very recent years my granddaughter has had the opportunity to get acquainted with her birth mother via phone and in person .  I think you can appreciate the challenges of this family dynamic ! Today , the little family is leaving by car to visit her mother and her family in a nearby state for the first time.  It will be a short trip and all pandemic precautions will be strictly adhered to . No hugging but meaningful interaction at a distance .  This little trip has been postponed several times and this seems to be the right time . I am so delighted for all concerned and I look forward to the day that I can have some limited involvement and become reacquainted . And , I understand her mother feels likewise . So beautiful that these little ones will get to know this Grandma and her family more and her place in the whole family .

Life certainly can have a lot of twists and turns .  And , it is so important to walk carefully and lovingly .

God Bless All Of Them and may they be safe and blessed in this adventure !

Mary

Power Washing Is Hard Work

About every three years the cement surfaces of the patio , driveway and sidewalks are so filthy that I can hardly stand to walk on them . It is such a constant reminder that they have to be power washed . The dirt has a way of clinging to the bottom of shoes and easily tracts into the house . I usually take my shoes off before entering the house but the cement also becomes very slippery when wet . I will do everything I can to avoid a fall .  I am about half done with this yucky job !  About an hour and a half is about all I can do at one time . It is looking so much better . Can't wait for it to be finished .

Probably about 8 more hours .  So , it will be a few more days .  And, then I can Hooray !  And , goodbye Power Washer - until next time .

This Daylily has at least 12 buds on it and it just started blooming . It is called Red Magic .

And . some more of my propped up Gladiolus . They still are nice and there are a lot of them .

And , this is Super Purple Daylily and this is the first to open on this scrawny plant . There are about three buds .

I am trying to add panting mix that has a lot of nutrients around all of the Daylilies with hopes that it will help my plants that are working so hard to give me flowers !

Stay safe . Are you following the guidelines ?  I hope you are !  We have to get past this and the only way we are going to do that is if we do our part .

Mary

Beautiful Morning

Hope your day is beautiful !

Mary

This Day Will Always Be A Special Day

Yes, July 5th is special because it was the day that I got married 61 years ago !

Oh, the thrill of venturing out into the big world and optimistically envisioning life as an adult and making our own decisions .  There was such a feeling of freedom following a short life time of intense control by parents even though I was living away , supporting myself and finishing my education to become a Registered Nurse . In those days (at least in my particular situation) moving away on your own was not possible unless you were married.

I certainly was ready to be a married woman and I certainly was in love , as I knew love in those days ! I was very happily married and became a mother of two children and enjoyed every single minute of my life .

Unfortunately, at about 10 years of marriage my husband became involved with illegal drugs when pursuing a different career path . Left us and at the age of 47 he died with complications of drug use.

Divorce was traumatic for me . Without elaborating , I survived and have lived a very full life . But, just a different life than I ever expected .

Gratitude.

Mary 

July 4th

I hope  you are able to celebrate the Holiday in a safe, but fun way with family and friends .  I don't think I will ever get over feeling a little sad at Holiday time with the constant reminder that my adult children do not wish to have anything to do with me . I really enjoyed and loved all the activity and family that went with Holiday time . And , I appreciate every minute and the memories .  They will always have my Love and Acceptance of their Relationship Decisions for whatever their reasons which I have not had the satisfaction of knowing .

I am so blessed to be in a psychological state of Wonderful Contentment .  I have never experienced this feeling of freedom prior to this past year .  Untold amount of hours of mental health guidance throughout most of my life and a lot of self introspection have been a guiding source .  It is great to feel this healthy , mentally and physically and I will gratefully cherish each and every day !

The Very Best Wishes to Every One of You .  Hoping you honor the sacrifices of those who through many years have been instrumental in making this a Day of Freedom , that we should never take for granted !

Mary

Gladiolus Gone Wild - And More

If you look closely you will see about 16 gladiola spikes .  They are going every which direction . Twisted and turning . Facing forward and backward . And falling down .  I think it is accurate to say they aren't planted deep enough .  With the hard rocky clay soil it is so difficult to plant deeply . I remember having difficulty trying to dig through the rock a few years ago .  So I sorted them out and tied them to some posts (that were hard to pound into the soil) so I could enjoy their stately presence !

There are three colors - Lavender , White and this color that looks more orange than the color Deep Pink which it is .  Nonetheless , I like them a lot .

Can you believe this . I am planting gladiolus again today that have been waiting for me for a long time - months !  I kept them wet and each one of them has survived so far . Just haven't had the time and I am on my way soon to buy some more planting mix .

This time I hope they will be planted deep enough . I have been working on digging for a few days .  Little at a time !  I guess I won't know until next year . I'll be planting 15 and they are various colors similar to the ones that are starting to bloom on the other side of the house .

Wish me luck !

I also have a camellia to plant .

It is a deep red and is called Tom Knudsen .

(google image)

It will go nearby the gladiolus with a few other camellias .  It seems like I always have a plant or so sitting around waiting to be planted.  Since I don't usually go out to look for special plants these are usually something I see on sale !

It is going to be another hot day .  And, I have all the ingredients to make soup .  Yes, soup - - - A Cold Gazpacho Soup .

(google image)

To bad, the veggies are not going to be homegrown .  Maybe, next time the tomatoes will be from my garden !

 And, I have a new immersion blender to use for the first time . Love my toys !

(google image)

Wishing all of you a nice and safe day .

Mary